Dear God,
I am not an atheist. At the same time, I don't encourage the practice of worshipping at temples, churches or mosques. Think good, do good - for me as well as for others. That's my principle of life. I believe in one supreme power, creator of this universe but am against the concept of the screenplay of our lives already written by that Supreme Power. My life is made by my thoughts, deeds, words and actions. As long as none of them hurt or cause trouble to others, I don't find a reason for pain and sorrow.
Today, 28th December is my birthday. 23rd to be exact. I know I am too young to introspect and lack experiences that can help me understand life in a better perspective. Still, I am going ahead only because this pain and loneliness that I am going through now is too much to withstand. I need an answer before things fall apart beyond my control.
As a single child, I have been blessed with a Dad and Mom who have lived their lives for me. Every wish of mine, regardless of whether I deserve it or not, were fulfilled by them. All I gave them back was pain and tears. I could never be son my parents wanted me to. Not that their expectations or standards were too high, beyond my reach. But I couldn't. I am trying my best to be a good son, a son my parents can be proud of. Can you tell me why?
The girl of my life, my love, my dear koottukari is not with me anymore. She is there somewhere regretting of the relationship she had with me. I couldn't give anything to her expect tears and pain. She tolerated my possessiveness to a level which I think no other girl can do. I respect her for that. I can never love her enough to let her go. I want her with me, by my side. Now I know I can never have her in my life. With all my pain and loneliness, I was living a life without dreams hoping she was happy. But the truth is something else. I wish I could be with her, as a silent listener at least so that she could have someone to open up. But I am denied of even that. Whatever I do are irritating and stressing her up which is the last thing I want to do. It is clear now, I have to walk out of her life. As soon as possible. Can you tell me why.?
My mom is a strong believer of you and she believes everything happened for good. If so, can you tell me what good has happened to my dad,mom and her because of me? Why did u create me? To hurt everyone and be the reason my dear ones' tears? How long should I go through this shit? And what for? I have never hurt anyone intentionally. Never. If anyone was hurt, don't I deserve a chance to correct myself? Why can't I be trusted?
Today, I don't have any dreams,aims or hopes. Everyday I go to sleep with the hope of not waking up ever after. Death,the biggest reality of life is what I wish for. If I am wrong and you exist and you decide our lives, please God, take me to hell and save these people. I love them so much, and I desire to be loved and forgiven.
God, if you are reading this, kindly help me out. I want to be a good son to my parents and a good friend to my kootukari. I have no one else to beg for.
Rahul.
